Gratitude Visit

Today's post comes from Professor Martin Seligman, PH.D of the University of Pennsylvania, he is the author of Authentic Happiness a book that changed the way I looked at my life and gave me a sense of how I could change things for the better, for myself and for my coaching and psychotherapy clients. I took Dr. Seligman's Authentic Happiness Coaching class - a six-month long twice-weekly class done via telephone with 300 other students. It was a wonderful class and I loved everything I learned in it and use it everyday in my life and my work.

One of the main concepts of this class is the idea of learned optimism, which is also the title of one of Seligman’s other books. A tenant of optimism is gratitude. If we are not grateful for what we have, who we are and what comes our way, then it will be hard for us to be happy. I see this every day in my practice - people come to me complaining about what isn't right in their lives.

At our first meeting I ask them to make a list of what is right in their life and to begin a program of focusing on the good and not the bad. This is not to say there are not difficulties, problems, pain and sorrow in the lives of those who seek out counseling, of course there is or they would have no reason to seek out my services. But what I often find with people is that this non-grateful, down in the mouth way of living and thinking is habitual. In many cases, even when things are going well they either take it for granted or they say yeah, but it won't be long until something bad happens. They focus on the negative and in the process bring more towards them.

Today I am sharing an idea that will bring gratitude into your consciousness and start a process of thinking in a grateful way about your life. This exercise is called a Gratitude Visit.

Select one important person from your past who has made a major positive difference in your life and to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks.

Choose someone who is still alive and accessible to you, preferably someone who lives in the same city as you.

Write your testimonial just long enough to cover one laminated page. Take your time composing this – several weeks if required.

Invite that person to your home or travel to that person’s home. It is important that you do this face to face, not just in writing or on the phone. Do not tell the person the purpose of the visit in advance.

Bring a laminated version of your testimonial with you as a gift. Read your testimonial aloud slowly, with expression and eye contact. Then let the other person react unhurriedly. Reminisce together about the concrete events that make this person so important to you.

I did this exercise with my ex husband several years after we were divorced. I had dealt with the pain of the divorce and felt that he had too - we were at a point where I knew this would not open a can of worms and cause any negative fall out. I realized that I was grateful to him for many, many things including being a great father, provider and all round good guy so I wrote him my gratitude letter and went over to his house and read it to him. Of course it made me cry but it was a freeing experience.

It opened up our relationship as parents and members of a family. We created a family when we had children and now that they are grown we are still in that family. We have three grandchildren and see each other at family events all the time. Now instead of feeling uncomfortable and sometimes tense at these gatherings I feel relaxed and like I am with family and I am - the vibe between us is like an uncle or even a brother - we're family and we appreciate each other - we even count on each other for things without there being any hidden agendas about getting back together or being upset with each other.

Now you don't have to pick an ex husband to do your gratitude letter with - make it someone that you simply want to thank for their kindness, generosity, friendship or help. We all have people like this so give it some thought and let me know how it goes.

Blessings, Lorraine